-,-

…I’d rather die than spend this night here without you.

  It’s becoming more and more clear by the day. Everything I never
wanted to happen comes closer to being reality. Unfortunately, what I
believe to be the outcome is becoming the highest possibility by the
day. The hello goodbye. To be able to say I did my best and got nothing
in return.

  What happens then? I go on, assaulted with
disbelief, struggling to do what I’ve always wanted but with an
alternative goal. Matter of fact is, the more I grow older and the more
experiences prove it, everyone’s once ultimate desire becomes more and
more worthless by the second. Soon, it won’t mean anything anymore.
Just a word. Not a belief, not an emotion, not serenity nor
tranquility, but just a word.

  I don’t believe this yet, but I
fear I will very soon. As the majority of what I need is already packed
and pushing the date closer and closer, I’m merely rushing into
destruction. My doubts have risen for the belief that someone could
stop me from ever reaching this conclusion, and soon I’ll find
stupidity within myself for ever even believing it possible.

This is exactly what I meant when I stated long-term consequences from
people’s actions and how they only see things from the current
situation. The antidote for current problems is usually poison to the
future. Poison that spreads by each thought. To stop petty cuts now,
you’ll be stabbed repetitively for eternity instead.

  I fear
I’m going to push the limitations on what I’m capable of doing to prove
how much I have of something for someone that just isn’t as valuable as
I used to believe it to be. I used to believe that having it alone was
always enough. That having it would easily be able to stop what I’m
going through now. With each day that passes, that’s becoming more a
surreality, and by the time I’m there to prove how hard I fought for
it, it will already be too late.

…Other people’s misery are on for the next 3 hours, commercial-free.

  America. Filipinos and their colonial mentality worshipping Oh-So-Fair-America so blindly. They defend America when I state my hatred for it and accuse my hatred of being the one that’s blind. I am sick of such stupidity and will now state numerous reasons - not all, as it would take way too long - behind my hatred, so, listen up, you close-minded fucks. You might learn something.

  To begin with, the Treaty of Paris was never intended to free our country. I will now quote Mark Twain, one of the most renowned and accomplished American authors in history.

  "I left these shores, at Vancouver, a red-hot imperialist. I wanted the American eagle to go screaming into the Pacific. It seemed tiresome and tame for it to content itself with he Rockies. Why not spread its wings over the Philippines, I asked myself? And I thought it would be a real good thing to do

  I said to myself, here are a people who have suffered for three centuries. We can make them as free as ourselves, give them a government and country of their own, put a miniature of the American constitution afloat in the Pacific, start a brand new republic to take its place among the free nations of the world. It seemed to me a great task to which had addressed ourselves.

  But I have thought some more, since then, and I have read carefully the treaty of Paris, and I have seen that we do not intend to free, but to subjugate the people of the Philippines. We have gone there to conquer, not to redeem. . .

  It should, it seems to me, be our pleasure and duty to make those people free, and let them deal with their own domestic questions in their own way. And so I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land."
  The Treaty of Paris, when examined, states America’s intent to defend the rights of the friars that so cruelly subjugated our country into oppression. The Philippine-American war that occured from 1899 to 1913 was a result of their own oppression, covered with their lies to liberate us from Spain, their true intent was to occupy. They never had and never will have any genuine interest in our freedom. We were never free. They never left, and they never will. Their forces are stationed throughout our country as we speak.

  Americans have the tenacity to call my country poor. Fine. I’ll admit that we are. I’m not a hypocrite like them. America’s total deficit is currently at $53,000,000,000,000. The highest debt ratio in history. $175,154 per man, woman and child. $700,616 per family of 4, $33,781 more debt per family than last year. That’s how much America owes and they, like I said, have the tenacity to call other countries poor? I don’t know about you, but I see it as us being a FUCKLOAD richer than them.

  Stupid Filipinos worship and idolize America. They turn to America for the solution to their problems, never realizing that America is a disease. They hold the highest rates of Alcoholism, Obesity, Racism, Incarceration, Cholesterol problems and Drug abuse IN THE WORLD, yet they have again, the tenacity to assume their right to dictate what other countries should and shouldn’t do. Turn to them for the solution to our country’s problems? Theirs are FAR WORSE than ours.

  America, I believe is known to reign supreme due to their economy and superior military might. The same economy and superior military might responsible for the past century recorded as the bloodiest in history. Well their economy, as I stated, is dying. The dollar rapidly dropping with debt, and their once superior military force is being wasted away with their lack of funding to source their needless bloodshed, fueled by pure greed and power.

  America, a country that thrives on its ability to produce money, a mere sham when one turns to facts. Their people, lacking humility or sensitivity for the culture of others, lacking any culture of their own, believe in only money. They grow up, the farthest from family-oriented I’ve ever seen. Brothers and sisters, viewing each other less than friends, seeing other only when necessary, holidays and such, as their parents grow they toss them into retirement homes to ease the burden of having to care.

  Filipinos are family-oriented. We stick by each other. We believe that our parents took care of us and to return the favor we will take care of them when they’re older. Nursing homes and retirement homes are an abomination to me. Never will you hear a Filipino state, born and raised with Filipino values, as joked in many movies, and I’ve heard personally numerous times "I can’t wait until my parents/grandparents die so I can get their inheritance." or something along those lines.

  America. The land of conceit and greed, never of the free and brave, do not believe in freedom. True freedom lies in the ability to grant it to others. They never have and never will have any intention to free anyone from their hypocritical tyranny.

  This doesn’t nearly add up to the complete factual reason behind my hatred, but it’s enough to get a glimpse of why I find all of you worshippers to be intellectually deprived social parasites, parroting the diseased, due to your blind beliefs and perceptions, the media-driven idiocy that causes you to believe them to be your liberators. I will have no part of this. 

…A better kiss that never lasts.

  Just had the most fucked up dream of my life last night. It felt so
real… It fucking hurts. If it hurts this much from a dream then I
don’t want to imagine what it’s like to happen in real life.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life and the following to come is
nothing different. If this plane crashes on me, it’s not the first
time, though this time a lot more is at stake. Everything’s at stake
this time.

  Love is a funny feeling. It can make you feel
untouchable yet completely vulnerable. It makes people do crazy things.
Being already crazy by default, it makes me want to do even crazier
things, hence what I’m about to do. Even if the dream had a direct
connection to what I’m about to do, I’m willing to take that risk,
cause I can’t spend my life wondering what if anymore.

  If it
all blows up in my face, at least I can say I gave it my best shot, and
that’s more than a lot of people can say about this sort of thing. I
always talk about how people don’t give everything they have anymore.
Well I’m not like them. If you love someone and they love you back,
they deserve the best of you. They deserve for you to push the limits
of insanity to prove it. With my impulsiveness, believe me, my limits
are beyond the norm.

  Make or break. It’s just a matter of time now…

…I’m playing the part of a lost realist.

Anxiety. Eagerness. The collision between the two in what would seem to be the weirdest experience of my life.

  I woke up violently that day. Cold sweats. Heightened senses. The inability to distract myself from the endless barrage of thoughts that were born as infants but grew rapidly into adults creating infants of their own within my head. I tried to escape from it, but every escape route led me further and further down this road of realization. Nothing could stop me from thinking of this. My chain of thought proceeded. This chain didn’t end.

  My whole life flashed before me, building up the sequence of events that led to the culmination of my life an current being. Questions rose from these flashes and more questions rose from those questions, but the main question standing tall high above was ‘What the fuck is going on?’. And for the first time in my life, I couldn’t find reason or debate with the question for the answer to reluctantly turn in my favor. I really didn’t know.

  I thought about my life. What I had accomplished, what I didn’t, what I should have… I thought about the lives of the people around me. What have they done? What are they doing? I analyzed their lives to a pinpoint precision as a basis for comparison to my own. I looked deep and hard, back and fourth until it finally hit me. I don’t want what they want anymore.

  Kids these days. Their lives revolve around knowing where the hottest party in town is. Being in the scene. Getting trashed the night before the night they’re getting trashed and after. They take pleasure in the people around them. They like people thinking they have a lot of friends. The fame. The company. The entire social aspect of it all. Living the fast life and high-rolling. A life of fun and enjoyment. Teens to Twenties and still living at home with their moms. Living off their parents’ money never even thinking of when they’ll have to make their own. I want nothing to do with it.

  I picked up my guitar and played a song I wrote. I stopped after the first verse at the thought of ‘Why am I fucking playing in my room?’ I could be playing elsewhere. Working hard at achieving greatness, yet I lay waste to all my hard work so far in this stagnancy.

  ‘Where are my such strong beliefs in defiance of structured learning now?’ They still exist but the mission statement changed dramatically in a matter of seconds after a lifetime of defiance. I’ve always taken pleasure in conquering the things I hate. Why not now? What makes school so different than the rest of the things I’ve left in ruin on my never-ending warpath called life? ‘I’m fucking going back’ I thought to myself. Nothing’s every stopped me in the past and that’s not about to change now.

  Learning to compromise. I’ll create two roads this time. If one turns into a dead end, then I’ll backtrack and take the other. I’ve always been known for my hard work. My aspiration to do great things. I’m done taking a break from it. I’m done neglecting and procrastinating my responsibilities to myself as the person, the man I always wanted to be.

  Impulsive. One of my main personal traits. Though this, of course, would be the greatest impulse I’ve ever had. I’ve always known where I’ll be 5 years from now and every bone in my body told me ‘Go fucking get everything you’ve ever wanted and never look back’ and that was it. Nothing will erase that from me now. Everything’s there for the taking and I’m going to fucking take it.

  I depart from this country in a matter of mere weeks, less than a month, on this journey my life has set me out to do. I wonder ‘Why do people even grow up?’ as I look around and see everything completely different to how I would see it two weeks ago. It’s a natural question to ask when you realize you have, in fact, grown up. When you realize that as much as you always valued your time, your time was so much more than you could ever possibly imagine it to be worth. Every second counts when you set your mind on what you want. Every second means everything.

  Quoting from the movie ‘Lars and the Real Girl’, the character Lars turned to his brother and asked "How do you know when you become a man?" and the response was simplistic and vague, about taking responsibilities for your actions and such. I’ve done quite enough of that during my childhood, and so have a lot of the people I know, so his response wasn’t quite right. If one were to turn to me and ask me that now, after that fateful day… That catalytic, mind-fucking, your whole life train wrecked and scattered debris all throughout your head of a day, I’d respond…

…’Trust me. You’ll know.’.

Tensing up you shoulders, come on say it, it’s…

  The alternative to being hurt many times and looking forward to happiness is to be hurt for good and be consumed by the nothingness that surrounds you.

  Today came with mixed up realizations. The misinterpretation of the past reading, the current and the future to become due to this.

  I misinterpreted the last reading in many ways. Part of my life for all-time wasn’t literal but rather figuratively, as I need this to be a part of my life in order to see the grand scheme of all things.

  It’s an eerie feeling, really, to feel absolutely nothing. No anger, sadness nor happiness, but rather a weird chill coursing through your chest that you can’t describe nor adhere to. To have your emotional senses slaughtered completely. 30 times broken. Excessive trauma. Call it what you will. I need not seek no further. I don’t say this out of anger or sadness, but rather pure logic.

  I am "completely devoted and loving" when I give as he said, but what’s never realized is that when that is broken, there is no repair. I give everything, and if unappreciated, I refuse to give any more. The "if you love someone, set them free" concept is the farthest from realistic. That’s the concept people follow before reality comes and kicks their asses, saying "Hey! You fucked up".

  People always choose the wrong moves with me. Probably due to their own lack of realization for how mentalities work. When you have friendship, romance dies. When you have romance, friendship dies. Nothing is perfect, and you can’t have both. A friend doesn’t see things the same way as a lover would and vice-versa. That’s the delusion that causes many would-be-perfect relationships to fail. The need for more. Greediness isn’t very becoming. You should make due with what you get.

  People never completely get what they really want. Otherwise, the world would be fucking great. But it’s not. You almost always get what you wanted when you no longer want it. When you believe nothing will happen, that’s when it does. When you’re high up, you fall, and when you land, you’re slung right back up. There is no escape from fate. Polarities of the world and balance.

  What is "broken"? Pessimists in regards to relationships are usually the people who truly believed in the concept of love at one point or another in their life. But with each failure, that belief is degraded in repetition till there is nothing to believe in anymore. People doubt, and that doubt becomes their own destruction. A lot of people are "broken". I’m beyond what they call "broken". I moved on.

  Two personalities rage within me. As described, the first being that I will always do what I believe in myself to be right, no matter what. Never hindered, never swayed, if I believe it’s right, I will do it. The other being the seductive side. Being a very unlikely combination, to look into it on a deeper perspective would be that I enjoy delving myself in the coldest, darkest most evil side of things, yet am purely enlightened by thoughts of "good". Ironic, really.

  Annoying, really, the way of polarities as now that I really don’t care anymore, the result would be the asshole side of me, yet due to the polarities it will gravitate more of what I no longer want towards me. Reminds me of that movie, Meet Joe Black. "I can never do you people right. When I come to take you, you want to stay, when I let you stay, you want to go." I truly no longer want any more of this. But apparently, as explained, if I actively do everything to prevent this, the world will throw me shit until I let it take place. I wonder if false beliefs in regards to reverse psychology apply with polarities. If so, then I DO want this. haha.

  The worst assumption one could make is that they think they know me. Believe me, no one knows me. I don’t even know me. To assume that you can predict my actions to be is very naive of you. That’s when things fail. The moment a person believes they know me, our relationship, whether as friends or lovers is destroyed completely. People look at things from one perspective. I look at things from a multitude of perspectives. How the hell can anyone predict such a thing?

  People who crave the company of others have what is called a false sense of self-esteem. They need those people to reassure them that they are liked. They need to be liked cause they don’t believe in themselves anymore. I require no company.

  A very promising relationship. It was necessary as said. I really did need it. What’s sad though, is there’s an inkling of my romantic side still beating within me. I still wait, completely in vain. It should just die with the rest of my emotions. But I need not worry. Time will deplete the life source it’s so desperately clinging on to.

  So what does the future hold? I, now "cold" and "uncaring" as described will reluctantly be thrown into situations where I turn into something I used to hate. But that, of course, is their fucking problem. I have no intentions of leaping any more. What happens will all be their doing from now on.

  The only thing that can break fate is free will. I now know mine in its purest form. Apathy. A beautiful thing it is to no longer give a shit. I saw it yesterday as being dead inside, which is for the most part true, yet I’ve never felt so alive.

As the world falls apart…

  The world isn’t the same as a lot of people remember or read about. In so many ways, I believe I was born in the wrong time.

  Musically, the world today no longer embraces ballads to honor achievements, love, victories, heroes… No longer telling eloquent tales about their days, but rather mindlessly falling for lyrical disasters involving mainly money, bitches, hoes, jewelry, milkshakes and even peanut butter.

  People don’t even speak the way they used to. Reducing their languages to simplicity and outright stupidity, they no longer have the ability to fully express themselves relying on nothing more than mere slang.

  If I was born in the past, my devotion to the bloodshed of the long-proven cruelty that coincides within the majority of humankind would be praised, honored, and immortalized. Instead, I live in a world governed by laws that given the proper amount of corruption within the legal system almost always lets the rapists, murderers, and molesters roam free. Lack of evidence or proof and them being allowed their human rights… The only right they have is to die.

  People always tell me "lovers" like me no longer exist. That’s not true. It’s just that with the way the concept of love works in the world today, "lovers" like me no longer want to. Unlike the way it’s portrayed in history, where love stood above all, and two lovers would give everything and anything to be with each other, people today do the exact opposite it seems, and those of my kind realize how they’re efforts are all in vain merely stuck they are in the past.

  People can’t honor said things, cause they don’t even realize what honor means anymore. These American soldiers in Iraq stating "we’re fighting to defend our country" when they’re clearly on the offensive. For their country… That concept died when guns were created. When true battles became a thing of the past. Where warriors’ skills were reduced to pulling a trigger. Where a lifetime of training to protect those they loved was reduced to a push of a detonator. Where the outcome of an entire war became decidable by one bomb. No longer by strategies or the brilliance of past tactictians, the desire of a general to stand in the front lines of combat or the morale of the country and their decision to stand tall and fight, but by cowards who stand behind a wall of brainwashed men, dictating commands behind the trenches, and leaders who watch idly by as their countrymen get slaughtered.

  Lust, power and money. Honor, freedom or love no longer. That’s what our world has been reduced to. Sad as the day that all our fallen in history had to watch this outcome after all the hardships they suffered for a better tomorrow, the worst is yet to come.

…It’s curtain call. I’m about to take my last bow.

  My entire life, my mom says she doesn’t remember me ever being afraid of anything. It’s somewhat true, I suppose.

  As a child, my favorite movie was Hellraiser. I used to go around picking the locks on cars of people who’ve pissed me off and jacking whatever’s in it. Hats, Clothes, Money, CD’s, etc. I remember, if I didn’t like the CD’s I’d put them underneath the car’s wheel, so when the owner drives it he’d run them over.

  One time, when my mom and stepdad got into a fight when I was 7, I charged at and stabbed him with a screwdriver. Another time, I was playing baseball somewhere in our old neighborhood. Some corrupt cops came and took my baseball and wouldn’t give it back. I walked up to their car, smashed the windshield and booked on my bike. They couldn’t drive through the trees, so they didn’t catch up. When kids would pick on me, I’d find out where they lived and toss 5-Star Firecrackers into their windows at night.

  I was mobbed and bullied until my Grandfather died. I didn’t fight back until then. Not cause I was scared, but rather I didn’t really give a shit. When my Grandfather died, I beat all of their asses on a daily basis as an outlet for the anger that caused. Even when I was in 2nd grade and the 6th graders would beat me up, I’d still come back at them the next day, everyday until I fucked all of them up. I was in osa, detention, and the principal’s office more times than I was in class.

  The first time I was attacked by a dog was when I was 9. It lunged at me in attempts to maul, as I smacked it away, kicked it’s head, grabbed a rock and bashed it’s skull in. I’ve killed 8 other dogs in my life.

  I’m stubborn. Even if I know I’ll lose, I’ll still go at it. With the family motto being "Okay lang magulpi. Pwede namang balikan bukas eh" sticking, I don’t have the ability to back down.

  I’m not afraid of death. In fact, I actively dared the world to hand it to me through out the course of my life. That in turn resulted in near-death countless times, but I guess it just wasn’t my time to go.

  The point being, I say it’s somewhat true cause in most cases or situations, I am not afraid of anything. But I do have fears. It would be inhuman to be completely fearless, numb and cold.

  I fear sharks. I fear herpes. I fear for my family’s safety. These past two months, I’ve been afraid of falling inlove again… But with the events that have taken place with these recently passed days, I have once again fallen, and now fear losing the girl I have grown to love.

  No one’s fearless. Everything has a breaking point. Every structure on Earth has a foundation that when struck will collapse the entire structure straight into the ground. She’s become mine…

  …And I just hope I don’t collapse.

…Mr.Don’t-Give-A-Fuck still won’t leave.

  Rofl I actually intended this to be sent to the person in question directly, pero wag daw at magmamakaawa nanaman ung jokla na yon at kakaawaan daw ng tropa. Wag daw mambanggit ng pangalan eh Fine. But seriously, he needs to grow some balls and stop being a little bitch.

  At first, I really didn’t mind the whole "poseur" remark. Compliment pa nga yon eh Of course, his intellectual capacity could never in a million years grasp that fact as he used that remark with malice intended. Rofl, that’s all good with me. But to talk shit about her to everyoneand make fun of her kasi "nakikipag usap sa poseur" daw? Then we have a problem… You’re overstepping boundaries and fucking with my friends.

  First of all, have you fucking seen yourself, dude? You’re in no shape or form in a position to talk shit. Eh mas maganda pa suwelas ng sapatos ko sa mukha mo eh =/ And of course, I’ve heard how much of a total dick you are, and then you demonstrated just how much that is twice on the phone. Along with being a broke ass burden to everyone and all around papansin, you wanna talk shit about me? Dude… You fucking fail at life.

  I’d love to just beat the living shit out of you… Pero paano ko naman wawasakin ang mukha na wasak na? Baka gumanda pa mukha mo pag winasak ko eh, matatakpan ng dugo ung kapangitan mo. Favor pa tuloy sayo pag ganon.

  Dude, if I ever act the way you do I’d have to beat my own fucking ass for it. You’re fucking pathetic, bro. Lakas lakas mo magsiga eh puta mukha ka namang tatakbo pag pinitik sa tenga. Siguro pag may gulo, ikaw ung unang nawawala noh? Siguro pag sinugod ka ng 15 na tao ihahagis mo ung katabi mong babae as bait para makatakas noh? Or use the closest girl to you as a shield from punches? Puta mas mukha pang papalag si Maya sa akin kesa sayo eh.

  Tangina pare hindi ka tatagal ng isang minuto sa lugar namin. You’re probably used to being someone’s bitch, aye?… Nevermind… You need to have some sort of looks for that. Wala naman papatol sayo kahit syokoy na bading eh. Eh puta nakita ko lang picture mo, naging gwaping na lahat ng ibang lalake sa mundo eh. Pustahan tayo, lagay natin picture mo sa gitna ng google para nandon pag linoad mo www.google.com puta ang daming mag cocomment "Gwapo pala ako? Ngayon ko lang nalaman ah" Eh hindi nga gwapo tingin ko sa sarili ko eh, pero puta pag kompara sayo, flawless naman ako =/

  Bagay lang sayo na trabaho, pamunas lang pare. Hindi tiga punas ah, ung mukha mo ung ipapamunas sa sahig. Kaso talo parin eh. It’s like wiping a dirty floor with something dirtier. Sandali lang pare, phone…

…The zoo called. Your caretaker’s looking for you.

  Pag nakita kitang umaapoy sa daan, hindi nga ako magsasayang ng ihi para iligtas ka eh. Mas pipiliin ko ngang mabulag, mabingi, mapipi, and both arms and legs chopped off over your life. Trust me, I’m not alone on this. My cousins said the same thing.

  Nakita mo na si Pam, diba? Sabi mo okay siya eh. Tama lang yan, tol, bagay kayo. Kaso magcondom ka at parusa sa mundo ung mga itsura ng magiging anak ninyo.

  When I think of you, I don’t know whether to get sad, angry, or happy. Sad, that the world is such an ugly place, having you in it. Angry, that the world is so cruel to traumatize me, now knowing you exist. Or Happy, that I might not be that great of a person, but fucking hell I’m forever grateful that I’m not you.

  Malapit na daw birthday mo, ah? This piece of information is my birthday gift to you.

  http://www.plasticsurgery.org

  Read up on it, man. They came up with that shit specifically for people like you.

  O siya, til next time nalang at may gagawin pa ako. Pero sana mabasa mo toh, tol. At kung pikon kang gusto mo kong gantihan? Come to Blue Ridge A, Katipunan, Q.C. Sabihin mo sa guard, kila Aguilar, and you’re welcome to come any time you please. Gusto mo, tawagan mo ko pag nandito ka na, ako mismo susundo sayo sa airport. I’ll make you regret being born, bro. L8z.

…lol.

  So my friend helped me fix my sound settings to let the shit I record actually sound like it should and not all retardedly high pitched for some reason. So here’s 2 more records + the fixes for maybe and tears don’t fall. Nothing great still as you may figure, just fucking round in my room as usual.

http://media.putfile.com/Bad-Case-of-Broken-Heart
rofl replaced "New England Town" with "Filipino Town"

http://media.putfile.com/Summer-of-69-63

http://media.putfile.com/Tears-Dont-Fall-9

http://media.putfile.com/Maybe-34

…To cross out what I’ve done.

  See beyond the surface… Most people can’t. They like judging things they’re unsure of. They like keeping that judgement as is and not bothering finding out more… Kind of like reading one chapter out of a book and saying "I loved that book!" yet they never even bothered to finish it, nor even tried to.

  Mankind is naturally afraid of things they’re uncertain of. When confronted with such things, they tend to look towards others’ perceptions of it, and never try to define such things with their own minds, hearts, or souls. They’re afraid of seeing things with their own two eyes due to being afraid of what others would think of them if they do, so they instead choose to see things from others’ eyes to avoid such judgement. Conformity… One of the saddest things in existence in my opinion.

  God… John would probably slap me if he found out how much I’m listening to Secondhand Serenade lately… He’d probably go "Damn… Colbos all Emo and shit…"… But whatever, lol… I can’t help it lately… Oh well. I’m gonna go play guitar and write songs. That’s all for now.